Notes on Subversion

It’s always been a personal nightmare of mine to live in a cookie cutter house in suburbia. What book prompted the class discussion escapes me, but I distinctly remember learning about the idea of the American “nuclear family” in school — of the picket fence, with the retriever, and the 2.5 children. I thought it sounded awful; that it sounded like acquiescing to someone else’s idea of happiness rather than defining it for yourself.

I mainly wore black for many years just because I liked it. I was on a trip with friends and met up with another group of 20-somethings on a trip. We were all eating dinner, when one of them decided to take it upon himself to inform me why it was that I always wore black. “It’s because you don’t know who you are yet. You don’t know what you want to say about yourself yet. Once you know who you are, you’ll wear colors.” It wasn’t the unsolicited mansplaining that annoyed me, but the undermining of my own choice.

I have a friend I regard as the epitome of self-possession. A rebel not for the sake of being a rebel, but just because she is. When she floated the idea of proposing to her boyfriend instead of him proposing to her, I remember being in awe and thinking: Oh I can totally see her doing that! Wow, she is so gutsy. When I think back to that initial awe, it feels flawed. She doesn’t have to go against every social norm to be a rebel; subversion is not always about doing the opposite of what’s expected and sometimes, being traditional can be a form of rebellion too.

I can’t remember when the idea of a soulmate first entered my mind — it must have been while watching all those Jane Austen adaptations as a young girl. I do remember my mom being concerned that my parents’ divorce had somehow prompted the harebrained idea, but I remember being obsessed with the idea of a soulmate even before that. I also remember it bothered me when anyone said they didn’t believe in soulmates. I thought it was just a cowardly excuse for giving up, a fear of admitting something to themselves about the person they were with, or the simple misfortune of never finding theirs. Instead of parties, my rebellion was my idealism. Everybody wants me to date? Well, then I don’t want to. No one believes soulmates exist? Well then I’m going to wait and find mine. I don’t think there is one right way to live life, but I will say that being rebelliously idealistic has brought some pretty amazing things to my life, so maybe there is something to be said for idealism. Or stubbornness. Two characteristics that in my case, go hand-in-hand.

When my friends and I talk about what we want, or the kind of life we want to live, there’s always this funny moment when someone is nervous to admit wanting something that is in line with society’s expectations. As if somehow, we are letting each other down as women when we want something that goes along with the linear path society has made for us before we’re old enough to walk. But what if living in suburbia really is the dream for someone? What if the only role someone dreams of in life is to be a mother? That is rebellious too. Being kind is rebellious, believing in yourself is rebellious, wearing black is rebellious (but so is wearing colors!). Being rebellious is not about being a contrarian, it’s about achieving the kind of personal freedom that allows you to live life on your own terms. 

Billie Eilish is a singer-songwriter acclaimed not just for her success in music, but also for successfully subverting the male gaze with her green hair and baggy clothes. Her choice to draw attention away from her body was applauded and cemented her as an artist with “true talent” that didn’t rely on physical appearance for her popularity. The key word in the previous sentence is “choice.” What she wears or doesn’t wear is her choice. That was seemingly lost in the backlash for her British Vogue cover shoot where she appears in a pink corset and lingerie. The backlash was a trash fire of comments complaining that Billie was no longer about body positivity, or that she was now just like every other female pop star. Billie is talented no matter what she chooses to wear, and she’s admirable not because she subverts the male gaze, but because she does what ever the f*** she wants. True subversion is just an honest nonchalance about who you are and what you want — and being concerned only with what you think about that.  

This was inspired by an essay a good friend of mine wrote for a Feminist Zine. You can find it here.

Note: I will try to keep this newsletter as every other week, but sometimes life happens and it’ll be monthly :)